Dear Diana,

I've been married to my husband for over 20 years. We’ve built a life together, raised kids, and weathered a lot. But this past year has been especially hard for me. I’ve been going through perimenopause, and it’s taken a toll on both my mental health and my sex drive. I’ve felt like a shadow of myself—more anxious, disconnected, and exhausted than I’ve ever been.

A few months ago, I found out that my husband had been unfaithful. It shattered me. He says it “just happened” and that he didn’t mean to hurt me, but I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong. Was it because I’ve been struggling? Was I not enough? Did my changing body or mood drive him away?

I feel humiliated and broken. How do I move forward from this? How do I stop blaming myself?

— Lost and Betrayed

Dear Lost and Betrayed,

First, let me say this: I see your pain, and I want you to know you’re not alone. What you're navigating—a betrayal in the midst of a personal and physical transformation—is heartbreaking. And it's incredibly important that you hear this clearly:

This is not your fault.

His infidelity is not a reflection of your worth, your desirability, or your capacity to be loved. It is not about your changing hormones, your evolving needs, or how perimenopause has affected your sex drive.

This is about him.

Infidelity often stems from unresolved insecurities, fear, and avoidance—not from the failures of the partner being betrayed. When men face the realities of aging, mortality, and emotional vulnerability, some respond by trying to reclaim youth or relevance through external validation.

Instead of turning inward or facing those feelings with courage, they turn away—from themselves, and sometimes from their partners.

This betrayal doesn’t mean you were lacking. It means he wasn’t willing or able to show up authentically during a life transition that required deeper emotional connection and support. That is his limitation—not yours.

You are not broken. You are in a profound stage of transition, one that demands care, tenderness, and self-compassion. Please don’t let his actions make you question your value.

Take time to reflect, and to heal. Therapy can be a powerful space to process this and reconnect with your sense of self. And no matter what you decide about your marriage, know this: you are still whole. You are still worthy. You are enough—exactly as you are.

With care,
Diana

He Cheated While I Was Struggling — Is It My Fault?

We Haven’t Had Sex in Almost a Year…Can We Find Our Way Back?