We Haven’t Had Sex in Almost a Year…Can We Find Our Way Back?
Dear Diana,
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. We’ve always been close, but over the last couple of years, things have changed. Life has gotten busy, and between kids, work, and just getting through each day, our connection has faded.
We haven’t had sex in almost a year. It’s not that I don’t care about him. I do. But the spark feels like it’s gone, and we’ve slipped into this routine that’s more like roommates than partners. It feels awkward to even bring it up now. I don’t know how to fix it.
How can I change things between us? Is it possible to feel close again?
— Disconnected and Missing Us
Dear Disconnected,
First of all, thank you for your honesty, this is something so many couples go through, yet few talk about openly. The absence of intimacy in a long-term relationship can feel isolating, but I want you to know that you're not alone, and does not mean you're at a dead end.
Before trying to “fix” what’s happening between you and your partner, I’d invite you to gently pause and reflect on this shift.
Ask yourself:
What has intimacy meant to me in the past?
What kind of touch, affection, or attention do I crave now?
What makes me feel good in my body, in my skin, in my spirit?
As women, especially in midlife, we often need more than just physical contact to feel truly intimate. We long for emotional connection, feeling seen, feeling desired, and most importantly, feeling safe. That can’t be rushed. It starts with reconnecting with yourself both metaphorically and physically.
Try beginning with small, simple steps:
Take a few minutes each day to check in with how you are feeling.
Engage in something that brings you pleasure or joy that’s just for you, music, movement, a bath, journaling.
Explore sensuality without pressure: wearing something that feels good on your skin, touching your body with intention, noticing what you enjoy.
The goal isn’t to “get back to sex” right away. It’s to slowly rebuild the bridge from disconnection to closeness starting with you, and then gently reaching toward your partner.
You might begin by having a soft, non-blaming conversation with him:
“I miss feeling close to you, and I’d like to work on that together. I want us to start reconnecting.”
Physical intimacy is one form of connection but there are many others: hand-holding, sharing laughter, eye contact, cuddling without expectation. Let yourself build from there.
Remember: you are not broken. Your relationship is not broken. It’s simply asking for attention, for intention, and for a little bit of courage.
With warmth,
Diana
Thank you for reading, Dear Diana!
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