We Haven’t Had Sex in Almost a Year…Can We Find Our Way Back?
Dear Diana,
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. We’ve always been close, but over the last couple of years, things have changed. Life has gotten busy, and between kids, work, and just getting through each day, our connection has faded.
We haven’t had sex in almost a year. It’s not that I don’t care about him. I do. But the spark feels like it’s gone, and we’ve slipped into this routine that’s more like roommates than partners. It feels awkward to even bring it up now. I don’t know how to fix it.
How can I change things between us? Is it possible to feel close again?
— Disconnected and Missing Us
Dear Disconnected,
Thank you for your honesty. So many couples go through this, even though few talk about it. A lack of intimacy can feel lonely, but it does not mean your relationship has reached a dead end.
Before rushing to fix things, take a little time to tune in to yourself. Ask: What does intimacy mean to me now? What kind of affection do I crave? What makes me feel good in my body and spirit?
Intimacy begins with reconnecting to yourself.
Start with small steps just for you. Maybe listen to music, move your body, take a bath, write in a journal, or simply notice what feels good on your skin. Intimacy often begins with self awareness and then gently extends outward.
When you are ready, try a gentle conversation: “I miss feeling close to you, and I would love for us to find that connection again.”
Closeness does not have to start with sex. It can be holding hands, sharing laughter, making eye contact, or cuddling without expectation. From there, intimacy can grow in its own time.
You are not broken, and neither is your relationship. This is simply a moment asking for care, attention, and a little bit of courage.
If you would like some extra support, here are a few resources many women find helpful:
The book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski — a compassionate and science based look at women’s sexuality and how desire really works.
The book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel — explores how long term relationships can balance closeness with desire.
The Gottman Institute’s online tools — especially their “Love Maps” and “Open-Ended Questions” cards which help partners reconnect through simple, meaningful conversations.
Apps like Paired or Lasting — easy to use relationship apps that guide couples through short daily check ins and prompts to build intimacy.
With warmth,
Diana
Thank you for reading, Dear Diana!
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